The Talk (or, How I Learned to Stop My Dad from Telling me His Type)
by StarSerpent
Summary: Post-Titan's Curse. Canon compliant. Percy is 14- practically an adult in Ancient Greek demigod terms. Poseidon decides to pay a visit, and to make sure that his demigod son is ready for the changes and urges that he'll be feeling soon. Fluff & Humor, mostly lighthearted


The beach at Camp had always been a place of solitude for Percy Jackson. It was quiet, peaceful, and not too long a walk from Cabin Three. He'd often find himself there when he needed to think, or seclude himself from the bustle of camp. The tiny dock that stretched out to sea was especially perfect for that. It made sense that being surrounded by water- his element- would lend him a sense of calm (_or what passed for it in his life_). After the mess that his last quest had been, Percy found that he ended up watching the sunrise from the docks every other day.

This sunrise, though, was different. Poseidon had dropped in without fanfare, taking a seat beside him without saying anything. Percy didn't consider himself an expert on godly body language, but he suspected that Poseidon was at least partially nervous about something. Still, his father had backed him up at the last Winter Solstice council meeting (_gods, was that only a week ago?_), and that reassured Percy more than anyone could ever know.

They had been watching the sunrise in silence for the past fifteen or so minutes. Smalltalk was not a strength of the sea god, and that was true of his only (known) demigod son as well. Both had a fishing rod in their hands, although neither were truly focused on actually fishing.

Percy found that he didn't mind at all. This was probably the longest he'd spent with his father uninterrupted, and he had to admit that it was...nice, to be able to spend time with his godly parent without extremely pressing circumstances weighing them down. Poseidon likely did have something that he wanted to tell or ask Percy, but the latter was fully content in waiting for his father to bring it up. He knew it wasn't _too _pressing, since Poseidon had made several aborted attempts at getting to the topic (_what that was, Percy had no clue_). If it was uber-important, Percy knew that the sea god would have gotten straight to it.

"Percy, son. Are you having sex?"

_Splash_.

The question came out of left field, and a reddening Percy Jackson had let the fishing rod slip from his hands into the gentle lapping waves below. He tried to respond, but the question had left his brain addled and with three separate answers jumping for attention (_most along the lines of what, no, huh, and oh Styx not again I've had this talk five times now_).

In the end, what came out was a pathetic, choked "uhm?"

"It's perfectly normal for a demigod your age, of course. Why, if I remember correctly your older half-brother Theseus was doing the rumpy-pumpy regularly at your age. Bellerophon was even-"

Percy latched onto the only thing that he thought was safe in that sentence. Mr. D had almost certainly make the subject of his historical demigod half-brothers an uncomfortable one, and that left-

"What's a rumpy-pumpy?"

"Coitus. Jumping the bones, doing the dirty, playing dipstick and oil...Eros' sexytimes?" The last was said with a bit of desperation on Poseidon's part. He wasn't sure if he could dig up more euphemisms without getting too vulgar. But, just in case. "Sex, Percy, I mean sexual intercourse."

"DAD! I've had the Birds and Bees talk before, you can stop now!" Percy squeaked out.

Both father and son had burning ears and red cheeks by now. Poseidon didn't consider himself a prude, nor would he ever label himself 'sexually inexperienced', but this? This was new, even for the (comparatively) ancient god. Amphitrite had done this 'Talk' for Triton, but he couldn't send his wife to do _this _for Percy. In fact, Triton himself had advised him to do it himself (_do not send Mother, not unless you want him scarred for the next century or however long surface-dwellers live_).

But as it turned out, it wasn't going to be an issue after all! Sally had probably handled it (_she was, after all, a very bright mortal_), and if not Chiron or one of the older campers had done it.

_Well in that case _, a smirk crossed Poseidon's lips. "Blondes, eh?"

Percy's blush deepened, and he steadfastly refused to look anywhere near his father's direction.

"Especially if they're tall, and have grey-"

"DAD!" Percy was now burying his head in his palms.

"Hey, no judging from this end of the conversations. I prefer brunettes, of course, but-"

"Dad, _please _stop," Percy pleaded, not really wanting to know what his father's preferred type was (_wait, isn't Mom a brun- nope nope nope_). "What brought this on, anyway?"

"Percy, you journeyed across the breadth of the continent, risking your life more times than I have fingers on my hands. You weren't called out specifically on that prophecy, either, so you cannot say the Fates chose you," Poseidon pointed out calmly. "You _held up the sky _\- something that only one demigod managed to survive before this month. And that dance you had at the end of the Solstice's celebrations?"

Percy was silent for the next half-minute, which Poseidon took as a sign to continue.

"I'm not blind, son," Poseidon said in a kinder, gentler tone. "You're definitely noticing changes in how you feel to certain persons. And in a regular mortal teenager, they'd be bad enough, but you're not a regular mortal."

A sigh escaped Percy's lips. "This is one more of those instances where demigodhood is going to be a pain in the behind, isn't it?"

"Well, I wouldn't know about pain," Poseidon replied with laughter in his tone. "Almost all of your demigod siblings have thoroughly enjoyed the divine levels of stamina and endurance."

"_Dad_."

Poseidon paused, as if he was arranging his thoughts. "Hormones make teenage mortals do foolish things. That effect is exponentially increased for demigods, and you are one of- if not _the _strongest- demigod since Ancient Greece. I'm afraid it'll be even worse for you."

"You're not saying I'll be constantly hor-"

"No! No, just that your urges will be stronger," Poseidon interrupted. "And you're a child of the sea too, on top of that. The sea does not like to be restrained, and letting emotions and urges run wild is part and parcel of that, unfortunately."

Percy pulled up his legs to rest his head on his knees. "How'd my past demigod siblings handle it?"

"Vigorously and frequently," Poseidon couldn't resist, not when the opportunity was served up like this. "In all seriousness, though, that was the main way they handled their hormones."

The baleful glare that Percy shot his father could have been effectively vocalized as "Gee, thanks for that. Anymore _useful _advice you want to pass on?"

Poseidon chuckled at the glare being shot at him. "Ask for consent. Ideally, know the partner. Use protection. Condoms work relatively well for demigods, and your control over water _does _extend to...you know. Just in case!"

"Oh, and try not to cheat if you have a relationship," Poseidon added as an afterthought. "I'd say you shouldn't do it, but I'm not _that _big a hypocrite."

Percy had by now resorted to smacking his head onto his knees in annoyance.

"I'm serious, Percy," Poseidon said. Then he snickered. "Well, technically I'm _Poseidon _, but-"

A long suffering grumble escaped Percy. For once in his life, Percy found that he could actually relate to the complaints that his past classmates had thrown around regarding dad jokes. It wasn't nearly as heartwarming or emotional as he thought it would be.

"I can't believe that you thought this was a good way to approach the Birds and the Bees," Percy snorted.

"Triton actually offered to do this in my place, but knowing him he'd have taken you to a coven of particularly coquettish nymphs, and I'm not anywhere close to being ready for the role of grandfather this early-"

A wave of seawater shot up the dock, smashing into the Lord of the Sea's face. It didn't harm him, of course- he was a _god _after all- but it did send him back a dozen or so feet. Poseidon let out a belly laugh as he was pushed back, and decided this was enough needling for his son today.

The lingering scent of saltwater left Percy feeling warm on the inside, and he reluctantly smiled as he got up and began ambling back home to Cabin Three.

(_And to think, that was still better than Chiron's version of the Talk._)


End file.
